Farewell

Last Thursday night I got an e-mail from Mr. Wrong that he found my blog entertaining. All right you find it entertaining by why did you find it at all? Seriously?

Received Saturday via text message: Tip... from ms peach. u should set your facebook 2 private if u only want friends 2 see. The entertainment was great seriously... Steve O

Have you checked the privacy settings on your facebook lately? Although I thought my page couldn't be viewed by people other than my friends apparently I was wrong. Miss Peach, for reasons known only to her, apparently went looking for me on facebook, found my page and found my blog. Mr. Wrong says to look up Miss Peach, I asked him "why?" I don't have any desire to make her my friend, read her page or stalk her on the internet, I wouldn't waste my time. So I asked him why they went looking for me. Miss Peach yells from the background, "I did." The question remains why?

The truth is I pose that question alot to Mr. Wrong, he doesn't have an answer and I need to learn to quit asking.



The other thing I'm going to quit doing is writing at this blog. It's not that I care that Mr. Wrong and Miss Peach read the blog but when I started writing another post I realised I was censoring myself, in case they read it. I don't want that hanging over me. I will be blogging again soon, somewhere else, if you'd like to know where you can send me an e-mail at seriouslykaren@gmail.com.



So alas, I say good bye for now. Seriously

Karma

Let me start by saying this, I don't believe in Karma. Wikipedia defines Karma as the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called samsara) described in Hindu, Jain, Sikh and Buddhist philosophies. My friend asked recently if she was going to loose something because things seemed to be going so well. Since I don't believe in a karmic universe that gives and takes away I said no. I believe in the Christian principle of "do unto others." And also as Garth Brooks wrote about so eloquently, unanswered prayers are really just God's way of saying he has another plan.

So why this talk about Karma if I don't believe in it. Well yesterday I got two awful e-mails. The first from Miss Peach telling me all about how she works so hard to keep the peace and we need to get along, but I need to change some things about the way I mother my children. Here is my favorite line "I am not making a threat to you, but if things do not get better, there are departments within the state this subject matter can be brought up with." Seriously! For the record just because you say something isn't a threat doesn't make it any less a threat.



Also for the record I asked around to my friends and the kid's teachers if the issues to which she referred were actual problems for my kids, each person assured me they would be happy to tell any investigator I do a good job as a mother, and her issues are unfounded. My lawyer assured me if Miss Peach did try to go to any authorities and I have all these other people to back me up that she would simply come across as what she is, a spiteful new wife. So I responded to her lengthy e-mail with the following sentence "I appreciate you expressing your concerns." And let that one go.



Then I got an e-mail from Mr. Wrong telling me everything I am doing wrong in raising Chandler. Basically I should give Chandler whatever he wants, so that he will like me. I don't need Chandler to like me, I need him to respect me. Since Mr. Wrong doesn't respect me, it's hard for me to accept when he tells Chandler to respect me. This must be one of those "do as I say, not as I do lessons." Oh and he also spent three paragraphs telling me how Chandler thinks I'm dating and lying to him about it. (I have already admitted to you the flowers thing and the intentional misleading of my children but what Mr. Wrong was talking about is having friends help with my lawn mower. Married friends, in fact they are husbands of my friends, and EEEEWWW!!) Now Mr. Wrong "doesn't care" that I'm dating and he spent half the e-mail telling me that. Ummm, me thinks he doeth protest to much, but moving on. I didn't even respond to the e-mail. What can you say? Mr. Wrong and Miss Peach think I'm a bad mother, I can't even justify a response.



No reply. Higher road taken. And then this morning I opened my e-mail. Want to know what was there? A good e-mail. A balance out the universe, Karma was smiling on Karen e-mail. These are the moments I like the high road. Like I am constantly working on being the person people want to be friends with. I like the new me, the single me, the happy me, seriously.....



More on Karma coming but this is getting long.....

Manipulation

This weekend I got called on something and I'm not very happy about it. For Administrative Professionals Day I got roses, and they have been sitting on my counter at home. The kids asked me where they came from and knowing that it would get back to Mr. Wrong, I said, "a friend." This, of course, while not technically a lie, is manipulation. And while I wish my friend had used a little more tact in her delivery, she was right, I am above things like this.

If I intend to rise about the crap-hole where Mr. Wrong currently resides, then I have to keep myself out of the mud, period. Quit sticking my toe in. Over the ten years I was married I became a master of manipulation, I had a very good teacher. My counselor says a lot of it was simply self preservation in such an unhealthy relationship but that is no excuse. Since the separation I have tried very hard to recognise when I am "twisting the truth," to stop it before it starts. The problem is, not only was I lying to other people, I was lying to myself. In making Mr. Wrong believe someone found me worthy enough to get flowers I was also trying to convince myself. And how screwed up is that?

Saturday night my friend and I went out for drinks. This was a HUGE deal for me because I hadn't done this in a really long time and I was VERY nervous. Turns out I had a great time, ran into some people from high school, tried an apple martini and laughed when a guy used a pick up line on my friend and she totally missed it. Seriously Mel, he did not need directions, he needed an opening!

On the way home we stopped at Sheetz, for gas and food. While Mel pumped the gas I went inside and of course started talking to some guys about the Nascar race that had concluded only hours before. None of them knew who had won, there was an accident just before the checkered flag dropped and apparently there was still some confusion. Eventually we finished up, got our food, paid for it and headed out to the car.

Before I could get in, one of the guys I had been talking to pulls up in his truck - this is a Powhatan truck, older, on a lift, big tires, gun rack, and I didn't see it but I'm pretty sure there had to be a Confederate flag on there somewhere - anyway he tells me he called someone and Clint Bowyer won. And we start talking about Jr., I'm not disappointed Jr. crashed, redneck truck guy is. We talk a few more minutes and finally I turn away and get in the car. Mel asks "who is that?" I have no idea, I just met him a few minutes ago. It then occurs to me, this guy went out to his truck, called someone at 1 in the morning to find out who won the race and then waited for me to come outside to tell me. So he could talk to me again.

This realization gives my ego a boost. A real boost. Why am I telling you all this? Because I have realised these two incidents stand in stark contrast to each other. I'm sure you can guess which me I like better. So keep calling me on my BS, you are right, I'm better than that, seriously.

My Winkie

What is a winkie you ask? It's one of the Bad Witch's soldiers in the Wizard of Oz. And last night Chandler made his theatrical debut. That's him there right beside Dorothy, in the background.

Right after Christmas break Chandler came home from school and asked if he could try out for the Wizard of Oz. Our high school was doing the musical and was asking middle school students to be the munchkins and winkies. He tried out and made it. So in addition to baseball practice three times a week, he has been doing two play practices a week - except the last two weeks when they practiced every day after school.

It has been a lot but he did well with it. And kept his school work up, which for Chandler is kind of a miracle. Chandler has been singing Youh-Eee-Ooo- Youh-Ohhh and Ding Dong the Witch is Dead for the last couple of weeks and I can't get them out of my head. I am so proud of him for sticking with it, going to practice, learning the songs, putting himself out there.

So if you are in town tonight. You know, not at the Nascar race, stop by the high school. It's a really good musical and the winkie, 3rd from the back, totally steals the show, seriously.

P.S. A Winkie is a flying monkey!

Over You

I should've started running a long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,I got over you.

This song by Chris Daughtry has been my mantra lately. I really am better off without him, more than anyone will really ever know. The reality is it took time to put myself and my heart back together. I really do feel like I have come so far, taking one baby step at a time. At the time I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere but when I turn around and look back I have come a long way.

How do I know? Well I got an e-mail this morning from Mr. Wrong saying he wanted to take the kids a particular weekend in October, because he and Miss Peach are having their “formal wedding” in Pigeon Forge. I know isn’t that a contradiction in terms? So you know what I did? I opened my calendar to make sure it wasn’t a problem and told him that would be fine. Then I sat and waited for the pain to come. It hurt a little, so I kept waiting for the wave to crash over me. It didn’t come, not that all consuming pain that used to wash over me.

Do you have any idea how excited this makes me? One of the hurdles to jump before I was ready to date again was not letting Mr. Wrong have the power to hurt me. I'm thinking this counts as a check in the over you column, seriously!

The good girl

I was reading a blog today titled Life Lessons. You know the kind, graduation speeches, everything I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten, etc. Later while I was shopping I recalled one of the little lessons I’ve learned. Wear sexy panties.

I live in the same small town where I grew up. My father is well known throughout this small town. After the annual Labor Day parade, back when I was in high school, I ended up riding on the hood of my friend’s car, I think I was flirting with the guy behind the wheel, started to strike a pose on his hood and he moved the car. Anyway, it was a silly thing to do, everyone laughed and I didn’t think about it again until a week or so later. Dad asked me about it and explained, “What you did doesn’t bother me but honey, people saw you.”

I learned very quickly that I had an image. And the image I wanted was that of the good girl. I spent a lifetime working on that image. I hung out with the right kids in high school. I went to a very conservative Christian college. And if I’m honest with myself it’s why I tried so hard for so long to hang on to my marriage. I didn’t want to be divorced, it didn’t fit my image.

I know I’ve said it before but in my small town it doesn’t matter that I don’t know someone, they may know me. At Grace’s first softball practice I was talking to one of the other mothers and she called me by name. I kind of looked at her and finally she said, “you are Mr. Politician’s daughter right?” That isn’t an isolated incident. For the most part I like the image I show to the world. But there is more to me.

A few years ago I started wearing sexy panties. I won’t pretend it will cure all that ills you, but it helps. It doesn’t matter that no one will see them. I know they are there. They are a confidence boost. On the outside I am Mr. Politician’s daughter, mother of four, church secretary, all around good girl. But underneath there I am flirtatious. What am I wearing today? Well I’m already blushing and my brother is probably going to read this. But they are one of my favorites, seriously.

The strength of a wave

I have been told that I am so strong, people "don’t know how I do it." Honestly what option do I have? I have 4 children depending on me. I want so badly to be the mother I always imagined being, unfortunately the reality of our situation doesn’t allow for many of my dreams. But there are some I refuse to give up. I still chaperone field trips, help with homework, bake cupcakes for the kids birthdays. Two weeks ago Chandler turned 11, he had a couple of friends sleepover, and I made cupcakes for his baseball team. As I was hurrying home to finish the cupcakes my friend asked “why don’t you just buy cupcakes?” To me, those cupcakes are more than just cupcakes, they are a part of my dream I refuse to give up.

I used to tell my counselor that I was weak. That there are days I would rather just stay in bed, when I think about the day ahead I am completely overwhelmed. That I only fake the strength. I used to think the real me was the girl who wanted to stay in bed. Then my couselor asked, "do you just stay in bed?" So I have begun to see the real me as the one who gets out of bed every morning. Day after day I get up and face the world. I get up, pack lunches, pick out clothes, help pack backpacks, make sure Chandler gets on his bus, Grace and Lee get on their bus, take Caroline to her sitters and finally get to work. My days pass quickly, sometimes I forget to stop and enjoy this time that can never been regained.

After school Thursday, I helped Grace and Lee with their homework, then I dropped Lee off at her softball game, then ran to get Chandler from play practice, then back to the field to watch Lee’s softball game. I had a chance to chat with some friends and the kids had dinner from the concession stand. Finally I got the kids home, in bed and looked around. My house is a mess, the laundry basket is overflowing and the towel rack in my bathroom is coming down. During the commercials of my favorite TV show that was finally back on after the writer’s strike, I unloaded the dishwasher, ran a load of laundry and picked up the videos Caroline had pulled off the shelf.

Then Friday morning I stood on the front porch and watched as the bus pulled away. Lee sat in her seat, looked out the window and waved to me. This is the best part of my day. Everything I do is worth it just to see that wave, seriously.