The good girl

I was reading a blog today titled Life Lessons. You know the kind, graduation speeches, everything I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten, etc. Later while I was shopping I recalled one of the little lessons I’ve learned. Wear sexy panties.

I live in the same small town where I grew up. My father is well known throughout this small town. After the annual Labor Day parade, back when I was in high school, I ended up riding on the hood of my friend’s car, I think I was flirting with the guy behind the wheel, started to strike a pose on his hood and he moved the car. Anyway, it was a silly thing to do, everyone laughed and I didn’t think about it again until a week or so later. Dad asked me about it and explained, “What you did doesn’t bother me but honey, people saw you.”

I learned very quickly that I had an image. And the image I wanted was that of the good girl. I spent a lifetime working on that image. I hung out with the right kids in high school. I went to a very conservative Christian college. And if I’m honest with myself it’s why I tried so hard for so long to hang on to my marriage. I didn’t want to be divorced, it didn’t fit my image.

I know I’ve said it before but in my small town it doesn’t matter that I don’t know someone, they may know me. At Grace’s first softball practice I was talking to one of the other mothers and she called me by name. I kind of looked at her and finally she said, “you are Mr. Politician’s daughter right?” That isn’t an isolated incident. For the most part I like the image I show to the world. But there is more to me.

A few years ago I started wearing sexy panties. I won’t pretend it will cure all that ills you, but it helps. It doesn’t matter that no one will see them. I know they are there. They are a confidence boost. On the outside I am Mr. Politician’s daughter, mother of four, church secretary, all around good girl. But underneath there I am flirtatious. What am I wearing today? Well I’m already blushing and my brother is probably going to read this. But they are one of my favorites, seriously.

The strength of a wave

I have been told that I am so strong, people "don’t know how I do it." Honestly what option do I have? I have 4 children depending on me. I want so badly to be the mother I always imagined being, unfortunately the reality of our situation doesn’t allow for many of my dreams. But there are some I refuse to give up. I still chaperone field trips, help with homework, bake cupcakes for the kids birthdays. Two weeks ago Chandler turned 11, he had a couple of friends sleepover, and I made cupcakes for his baseball team. As I was hurrying home to finish the cupcakes my friend asked “why don’t you just buy cupcakes?” To me, those cupcakes are more than just cupcakes, they are a part of my dream I refuse to give up.

I used to tell my counselor that I was weak. That there are days I would rather just stay in bed, when I think about the day ahead I am completely overwhelmed. That I only fake the strength. I used to think the real me was the girl who wanted to stay in bed. Then my couselor asked, "do you just stay in bed?" So I have begun to see the real me as the one who gets out of bed every morning. Day after day I get up and face the world. I get up, pack lunches, pick out clothes, help pack backpacks, make sure Chandler gets on his bus, Grace and Lee get on their bus, take Caroline to her sitters and finally get to work. My days pass quickly, sometimes I forget to stop and enjoy this time that can never been regained.

After school Thursday, I helped Grace and Lee with their homework, then I dropped Lee off at her softball game, then ran to get Chandler from play practice, then back to the field to watch Lee’s softball game. I had a chance to chat with some friends and the kids had dinner from the concession stand. Finally I got the kids home, in bed and looked around. My house is a mess, the laundry basket is overflowing and the towel rack in my bathroom is coming down. During the commercials of my favorite TV show that was finally back on after the writer’s strike, I unloaded the dishwasher, ran a load of laundry and picked up the videos Caroline had pulled off the shelf.

Then Friday morning I stood on the front porch and watched as the bus pulled away. Lee sat in her seat, looked out the window and waved to me. This is the best part of my day. Everything I do is worth it just to see that wave, seriously.

You never get a second chance at a first kiss

On my friend’s blog she asked us to tell the story of our favorite kiss. My first thought was of my first kiss. So I thought I would take you with me on this stroll down memory lane.

Every summer when we were kids my brother Lee and I would go visit my grandparents in Massachusetts. The summer I was 13 I had discovered boys and discovered Lee’s friend JSH. We were there for two weeks, during that time JSH and I danced around each other. We talked about the different places we could kiss. We did a lot of talking about our options but somehow we never got around to actually doing it.

The day before we were supposed to leave my grandparents were entertaining several guests. JSH asked me to meet him behind the hedge at the end of the driveway. When I got there he was waiting for me. We stood there hidden by the tall hedge, looking at each other for quite some time. Then finally he leaned in and kissed me. Fireworks were going off and I just stood there while he kissed me. He leaned back and said, “Don’t you know how to kiss?” I just kind of looked at him and he turned and went back to the pool. It may not have been great for him but for me it was a storybook first kiss.

That December my entire family went to visit my grandparents for Christmas. Lee, Jackson and I went down to JSH’s to go sledding in his yard. There was a motion detector light on the edge of his house at the bottom of the sledding hill that lit up the sledding path. After awhile Lee and Jackson went back to our grandparent’s house and JSH and I were alone. We decided we would wait for the light to go out before we kissed. Looking back it seems we talked more about kissing then actually kissing. We sat pretty still talking about lots different things. Eventually the light went out and we reached for each other, which of course tripped the motion sensor and the light came back on.

We didn’t wait for the light to go out again before we kissed. This time it lasted longer than the first and with more passion. Gone was the hesitation that comes with experiencing something for the first time. I kissed him back, put my arms around him, he twirled his fingers in my hair holding me close. I don’t know how long we actually stood there kissing, in my memory it lasted for hours, it was probably closer to 10 minutes.

I didn’t see him again before we went home. When I was 16 and was visiting my grandparents I went by his house, he wasn’t home but I had a nice visit with his mother. She told me that he was having a hard time, his parents were getting divorced and he wasn’t doing well in school. I went back to my grandparent’s house and wrote him a letter. I told him that kiss in the hedges had been my first and he would always hold a special place in my heart. I heard later he dropped out of school and before I graduated from high school his mother had moved out of the neighborhood.

That kiss, the one at the top of the hill, with all the passion two naïve teenagers could put into it, it still remains at the top of my list. I’m sure that time has sweetened the memory of that kiss, that’s okay, it’s my memory, seriously.

Bring On the Rain

Tomorrow’s another day
I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Opening day ceremonies for little league were supposed to be Saturday, they got rained out. Grace and Lee were supposed to have games on Saturday, they got rained out. Chandler was supposed to play last night, the field was too wet to have a game. Thankfully the sun finally came out Wednesday afternoon and Grace got to play her first game.

So why Bring On the Rain? Jo Dee Messina released the song several years ago. At the time I was working for a large credit card company and they were screwing their employees left and right. After they switched me to a new department and new team, for the third time, I hung these lyrics up on the “wall” of my cubicle. One day the big boss came through the department, he liked to pretend he was “in touch” with the worker ants. BB stopped at my cubicle (I was on the end, next to the main throughway) and read the lyrics. He said, “What does this mean?” I replied, “They are lyrics from a song.” He said, “I’m not sure they are appropriate.” I looked him in the eye and said, “Which part?” He shrugged his shoulders and moved on. The truth is I was one of the highest performers on the floor so I got away with quite a bit.

When things got bad with Mr. Wrong I lost a lot of my self assurance, my fight. Being a single mother of four is hard work, very busy and the most rewarding thing ever. Slowly, bit by bit I’m earning back my fight, my self-respect. Tuesday night I had a setback, Miss Peach revealed something very big Mr. Wrong had been lying to me about. I held my head high and walked away, and when I got away I cried. I cried that night. The next morning I just added it to the “thank heavens I got away” pile of crap Mr. Wrong shoveled.

So let the storms come. I will keep getting back up. And I am a better person for it. Tomorrow’s another day, seriously.

Relationship Status: Single

Sometime last week my last single brother changed his relationship status. Now for me that's huge. I mean Jackson and Lee once made a bet that the other will get married first, while in the car with Lee's girlfriend at the time, on the way to my cousin's wedding. My baby brother Stuart did not get in on the bet, he figured he would probably lose - he's 4 years younger than Jackson and 6 years younger than Lee. And indeed it's Stuart who is engaged.

I was married for 10 years and it is an odd thing to find myself single again. I have several friends in the same situation I'm in, recently divorced, who are already in relationships again. I guess I am enjoying the opportunity to get to know myself again. I also know that I have taken time to really examine my relationship with Mr. Wrong and how it got so screwed up. Recently I've even gone back to my relationships prior to Mr. Wrong and that has been really good for me too. I probably wouldn't have taken the time for that if I was in a new relationship already.

Jackson (TigBom) says I need to embrace being single. So here goes. I have officially changed my status on facebook. It may not seem like a lot to you but for me it's pretty monumental. And I'm not going to feel so bad about fantasising about my brother's friend. And FYI to my brothers, your first guess as to who that is - is wrong. Maybe even the next time someone askes me out I'll say yes. Maybe. One step at a time, seriously.

Where are my car keys Caroline?

"car... car..."

Last week my kids were on Spring Break. Now I know we are supposed to do all this fun stuff as a family but it didn’t work out that way. I was sick on Monday, had to work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. My one goal for the week was to buy Chandler a new pair of shoes. When do you think we got that done? That’s right Sunday afternoon. For those of you who care he got black and brown Tony Hawk skater shoes, very stylish for a boy his age. He wanted the black and white ones with skulls and crossbones but I drew the line there.

Back to the main point, it was a rough week. One of my trials was losing my keys. On Monday I was cleaning and saw Caroline carrying my keys around and thought to myself, “I should take those away from her.” Famous last words, or thoughts as it were. Later on in the afternoon I had finally gotten my butt in gear and everyone in the car to head for the Y to swim. Only we couldn’t go anywhere with out the keys, I don’t have a spare. So we spent the next two hours looking for my keys but with no success. I tried asking Caroline where my car keys were and she would reply “car… car…”

On Tuesday I borrowed a car from my parents so I could get to work. That night I kept looking for my keys. I found a toothbrush in the a/c vents, did a rather unpleasant search of the trash cans and found things I hadn’t seen in months. Still no sign of my keys.

Wednesday morning a friend of mine stopped by and we sat in the middle of the chaos that is my house and talked. As we sat discussing the awful things she found in her son’s college literature textbook Chandler came in and started playing with Caroline’s car. It’s one of those little toddler ride on toys, complete with it’s own little trunk, you lift the lid and there is a tiny little storage space. You guessed it, that’s where the keys were. And how could I be mad at my genius little girl who not only knew where keys belong but told me where they were.

So mystery solved. Keys found. I wish I could say my week got better from there, but it didn’t. I did however have an interesting break through on the Mr. Wrong front but this post is already getting pretty long. And I want you to come back again, seriously.