Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Farewell

Last Thursday night I got an e-mail from Mr. Wrong that he found my blog entertaining. All right you find it entertaining by why did you find it at all? Seriously?

Received Saturday via text message: Tip... from ms peach. u should set your facebook 2 private if u only want friends 2 see. The entertainment was great seriously... Steve O


Have you checked the privacy settings on your facebook lately? Although I thought my page couldn't be viewed by people other than my friends apparently I was wrong. Miss Peach, for reasons known only to her, apparently went looking for me on facebook, found my page and found my blog. Mr. Wrong says to look up Miss Peach, I asked him "why?" I don't have any desire to make her my friend, read her page or stalk her on the internet, I wouldn't waste my time. So I asked him why they went looking for me. Miss Peach yells from the background, "I did." The question remains why?

The truth is I pose that question alot to Mr. Wrong, he doesn't have an answer and I need to learn to quit asking.



The other thing I'm going to quit doing is writing at this blog. It's not that I care that Mr. Wrong and Miss Peach read the blog but when I started writing another post I realised I was censoring myself, in case they read it. I don't want that hanging over me. I will be blogging again soon, somewhere else, if you'd like to know where you can send me an e-mail at seriouslykaren@gmail.com.



So alas, I say good bye for now. Seriously

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Karma

Let me start by saying this, I don't believe in Karma. Wikipedia defines Karma as the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called samsara) described in Hindu, Jain, Sikh and Buddhist philosophies. My friend asked recently if she was going to loose something because things seemed to be going so well. Since I don't believe in a karmic universe that gives and takes away I said no. I believe in the Christian principle of "do unto others." And also as Garth Brooks wrote about so eloquently, unanswered prayers are really just God's way of saying he has another plan.

So why this talk about Karma if I don't believe in it. Well yesterday I got two awful e-mails. The first from Miss Peach telling me all about how she works so hard to keep the peace and we need to get along, but I need to change some things about the way I mother my children. Here is my favorite line "I am not making a threat to you, but if things do not get better, there are departments within the state this subject matter can be brought up with." Seriously! For the record just because you say something isn't a threat doesn't make it any less a threat.



Also for the record I asked around to my friends and the kid's teachers if the issues to which she referred were actual problems for my kids, each person assured me they would be happy to tell any investigator I do a good job as a mother, and her issues are unfounded. My lawyer assured me if Miss Peach did try to go to any authorities and I have all these other people to back me up that she would simply come across as what she is, a spiteful new wife. So I responded to her lengthy e-mail with the following sentence "I appreciate you expressing your concerns." And let that one go.



Then I got an e-mail from Mr. Wrong telling me everything I am doing wrong in raising Chandler. Basically I should give Chandler whatever he wants, so that he will like me. I don't need Chandler to like me, I need him to respect me. Since Mr. Wrong doesn't respect me, it's hard for me to accept when he tells Chandler to respect me. This must be one of those "do as I say, not as I do lessons." Oh and he also spent three paragraphs telling me how Chandler thinks I'm dating and lying to him about it. (I have already admitted to you the flowers thing and the intentional misleading of my children but what Mr. Wrong was talking about is having friends help with my lawn mower. Married friends, in fact they are husbands of my friends, and EEEEWWW!!) Now Mr. Wrong "doesn't care" that I'm dating and he spent half the e-mail telling me that. Ummm, me thinks he doeth protest to much, but moving on. I didn't even respond to the e-mail. What can you say? Mr. Wrong and Miss Peach think I'm a bad mother, I can't even justify a response.



No reply. Higher road taken. And then this morning I opened my e-mail. Want to know what was there? A good e-mail. A balance out the universe, Karma was smiling on Karen e-mail. These are the moments I like the high road. Like I am constantly working on being the person people want to be friends with. I like the new me, the single me, the happy me, seriously.....



More on Karma coming but this is getting long.....

Monday, May 5, 2008

Manipulation

This weekend I got called on something and I'm not very happy about it. For Administrative Professionals Day I got roses, and they have been sitting on my counter at home. The kids asked me where they came from and knowing that it would get back to Mr. Wrong, I said, "a friend." This, of course, while not technically a lie, is manipulation. And while I wish my friend had used a little more tact in her delivery, she was right, I am above things like this.

If I intend to rise about the crap-hole where Mr. Wrong currently resides, then I have to keep myself out of the mud, period. Quit sticking my toe in. Over the ten years I was married I became a master of manipulation, I had a very good teacher. My counselor says a lot of it was simply self preservation in such an unhealthy relationship but that is no excuse. Since the separation I have tried very hard to recognise when I am "twisting the truth," to stop it before it starts. The problem is, not only was I lying to other people, I was lying to myself. In making Mr. Wrong believe someone found me worthy enough to get flowers I was also trying to convince myself. And how screwed up is that?

Saturday night my friend and I went out for drinks. This was a HUGE deal for me because I hadn't done this in a really long time and I was VERY nervous. Turns out I had a great time, ran into some people from high school, tried an apple martini and laughed when a guy used a pick up line on my friend and she totally missed it. Seriously Mel, he did not need directions, he needed an opening!

On the way home we stopped at Sheetz, for gas and food. While Mel pumped the gas I went inside and of course started talking to some guys about the Nascar race that had concluded only hours before. None of them knew who had won, there was an accident just before the checkered flag dropped and apparently there was still some confusion. Eventually we finished up, got our food, paid for it and headed out to the car.

Before I could get in, one of the guys I had been talking to pulls up in his truck - this is a Powhatan truck, older, on a lift, big tires, gun rack, and I didn't see it but I'm pretty sure there had to be a Confederate flag on there somewhere - anyway he tells me he called someone and Clint Bowyer won. And we start talking about Jr., I'm not disappointed Jr. crashed, redneck truck guy is. We talk a few more minutes and finally I turn away and get in the car. Mel asks "who is that?" I have no idea, I just met him a few minutes ago. It then occurs to me, this guy went out to his truck, called someone at 1 in the morning to find out who won the race and then waited for me to come outside to tell me. So he could talk to me again.

This realization gives my ego a boost. A real boost. Why am I telling you all this? Because I have realised these two incidents stand in stark contrast to each other. I'm sure you can guess which me I like better. So keep calling me on my BS, you are right, I'm better than that, seriously.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

My Winkie


What is a winkie you ask? It's one of the Bad Witch's soldiers in the Wizard of Oz. And last night Chandler made his theatrical debut. That's him there right beside Dorothy, in the background.

Right after Christmas break Chandler came home from school and asked if he could try out for the Wizard of Oz. Our high school was doing the musical and was asking middle school students to be the munchkins and winkies. He tried out and made it. So in addition to baseball practice three times a week, he has been doing two play practices a week - except the last two weeks when they practiced every day after school.

It has been a lot but he did well with it. And kept his school work up, which for Chandler is kind of a miracle. Chandler has been singing Youh-Eee-Ooo- Youh-Ohhh and Ding Dong the Witch is Dead for the last couple of weeks and I can't get them out of my head. I am so proud of him for sticking with it, going to practice, learning the songs, putting himself out there.

So if you are in town tonight. You know, not at the Nascar race, stop by the high school. It's a really good musical and the winkie, 3rd from the back, totally steals the show, seriously.
P.S. A Winkie is a flying monkey!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Over You

I should've started running a long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,I got over you.

This song by Chris Daughtry has been my mantra lately. I really am better off without him, more than anyone will really ever know. The reality is it took time to put myself and my heart back together. I really do feel like I have come so far, taking one baby step at a time. At the time I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere but when I turn around and look back I have come a long way.

How do I know? Well I got an e-mail this morning from Mr. Wrong saying he wanted to take the kids a particular weekend in October, because he and Miss Peach are having their “formal wedding” in Pigeon Forge. I know isn’t that a contradiction in terms? So you know what I did? I opened my calendar to make sure it wasn’t a problem and told him that would be fine. Then I sat and waited for the pain to come. It hurt a little, so I kept waiting for the wave to crash over me. It didn’t come, not that all consuming pain that used to wash over me.

Do you have any idea how excited this makes me? One of the hurdles to jump before I was ready to date again was not letting Mr. Wrong have the power to hurt me. I'm thinking this counts as a check in the over you column, seriously!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The good girl

I was reading a blog today titled Life Lessons. You know the kind, graduation speeches, everything I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten, etc. Later while I was shopping I recalled one of the little lessons I’ve learned. Wear sexy panties.

I live in the same small town where I grew up. My father is well known throughout this small town. After the annual Labor Day parade, back when I was in high school, I ended up riding on the hood of my friend’s car, I think I was flirting with the guy behind the wheel, started to strike a pose on his hood and he moved the car. Anyway, it was a silly thing to do, everyone laughed and I didn’t think about it again until a week or so later. Dad asked me about it and explained, “What you did doesn’t bother me but honey, people saw you.”

I learned very quickly that I had an image. And the image I wanted was that of the good girl. I spent a lifetime working on that image. I hung out with the right kids in high school. I went to a very conservative Christian college. And if I’m honest with myself it’s why I tried so hard for so long to hang on to my marriage. I didn’t want to be divorced, it didn’t fit my image.

I know I’ve said it before but in my small town it doesn’t matter that I don’t know someone, they may know me. At Grace’s first softball practice I was talking to one of the other mothers and she called me by name. I kind of looked at her and finally she said, “you are Mr. Politician’s daughter right?” That isn’t an isolated incident. For the most part I like the image I show to the world. But there is more to me.

A few years ago I started wearing sexy panties. I won’t pretend it will cure all that ills you, but it helps. It doesn’t matter that no one will see them. I know they are there. They are a confidence boost. On the outside I am Mr. Politician’s daughter, mother of four, church secretary, all around good girl. But underneath there I am flirtatious. What am I wearing today? Well I’m already blushing and my brother is probably going to read this. But they are one of my favorites, seriously.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The strength of a wave

I have been told that I am so strong, people "don’t know how I do it." Honestly what option do I have? I have 4 children depending on me. I want so badly to be the mother I always imagined being, unfortunately the reality of our situation doesn’t allow for many of my dreams. But there are some I refuse to give up. I still chaperone field trips, help with homework, bake cupcakes for the kids birthdays. Two weeks ago Chandler turned 11, he had a couple of friends sleepover, and I made cupcakes for his baseball team. As I was hurrying home to finish the cupcakes my friend asked “why don’t you just buy cupcakes?” To me, those cupcakes are more than just cupcakes, they are a part of my dream I refuse to give up.

I used to tell my counselor that I was weak. That there are days I would rather just stay in bed, when I think about the day ahead I am completely overwhelmed. That I only fake the strength. I used to think the real me was the girl who wanted to stay in bed. Then my couselor asked, "do you just stay in bed?" So I have begun to see the real me as the one who gets out of bed every morning. Day after day I get up and face the world. I get up, pack lunches, pick out clothes, help pack backpacks, make sure Chandler gets on his bus, Grace and Lee get on their bus, take Caroline to her sitters and finally get to work. My days pass quickly, sometimes I forget to stop and enjoy this time that can never been regained.

After school Thursday, I helped Grace and Lee with their homework, then I dropped Lee off at her softball game, then ran to get Chandler from play practice, then back to the field to watch Lee’s softball game. I had a chance to chat with some friends and the kids had dinner from the concession stand. Finally I got the kids home, in bed and looked around. My house is a mess, the laundry basket is overflowing and the towel rack in my bathroom is coming down. During the commercials of my favorite TV show that was finally back on after the writer’s strike, I unloaded the dishwasher, ran a load of laundry and picked up the videos Caroline had pulled off the shelf.

Then Friday morning I stood on the front porch and watched as the bus pulled away. Lee sat in her seat, looked out the window and waved to me. This is the best part of my day. Everything I do is worth it just to see that wave, seriously.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

You never get a second chance at a first kiss

On my friend’s blog she asked us to tell the story of our favorite kiss. My first thought was of my first kiss. So I thought I would take you with me on this stroll down memory lane.

Every summer when we were kids my brother Lee and I would go visit my grandparents in Massachusetts. The summer I was 13 I had discovered boys and discovered Lee’s friend JSH. We were there for two weeks, during that time JSH and I danced around each other. We talked about the different places we could kiss. We did a lot of talking about our options but somehow we never got around to actually doing it.

The day before we were supposed to leave my grandparents were entertaining several guests. JSH asked me to meet him behind the hedge at the end of the driveway. When I got there he was waiting for me. We stood there hidden by the tall hedge, looking at each other for quite some time. Then finally he leaned in and kissed me. Fireworks were going off and I just stood there while he kissed me. He leaned back and said, “Don’t you know how to kiss?” I just kind of looked at him and he turned and went back to the pool. It may not have been great for him but for me it was a storybook first kiss.

That December my entire family went to visit my grandparents for Christmas. Lee, Jackson and I went down to JSH’s to go sledding in his yard. There was a motion detector light on the edge of his house at the bottom of the sledding hill that lit up the sledding path. After awhile Lee and Jackson went back to our grandparent’s house and JSH and I were alone. We decided we would wait for the light to go out before we kissed. Looking back it seems we talked more about kissing then actually kissing. We sat pretty still talking about lots different things. Eventually the light went out and we reached for each other, which of course tripped the motion sensor and the light came back on.

We didn’t wait for the light to go out again before we kissed. This time it lasted longer than the first and with more passion. Gone was the hesitation that comes with experiencing something for the first time. I kissed him back, put my arms around him, he twirled his fingers in my hair holding me close. I don’t know how long we actually stood there kissing, in my memory it lasted for hours, it was probably closer to 10 minutes.

I didn’t see him again before we went home. When I was 16 and was visiting my grandparents I went by his house, he wasn’t home but I had a nice visit with his mother. She told me that he was having a hard time, his parents were getting divorced and he wasn’t doing well in school. I went back to my grandparent’s house and wrote him a letter. I told him that kiss in the hedges had been my first and he would always hold a special place in my heart. I heard later he dropped out of school and before I graduated from high school his mother had moved out of the neighborhood.

That kiss, the one at the top of the hill, with all the passion two naïve teenagers could put into it, it still remains at the top of my list. I’m sure that time has sweetened the memory of that kiss, that’s okay, it’s my memory, seriously.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Bring On the Rain

Tomorrow’s another day
I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain


Opening day ceremonies for little league were supposed to be Saturday, they got rained out. Grace and Lee were supposed to have games on Saturday, they got rained out. Chandler was supposed to play last night, the field was too wet to have a game. Thankfully the sun finally came out Wednesday afternoon and Grace got to play her first game.

So why Bring On the Rain? Jo Dee Messina released the song several years ago. At the time I was working for a large credit card company and they were screwing their employees left and right. After they switched me to a new department and new team, for the third time, I hung these lyrics up on the “wall” of my cubicle. One day the big boss came through the department, he liked to pretend he was “in touch” with the worker ants. BB stopped at my cubicle (I was on the end, next to the main throughway) and read the lyrics. He said, “What does this mean?” I replied, “They are lyrics from a song.” He said, “I’m not sure they are appropriate.” I looked him in the eye and said, “Which part?” He shrugged his shoulders and moved on. The truth is I was one of the highest performers on the floor so I got away with quite a bit.

When things got bad with Mr. Wrong I lost a lot of my self assurance, my fight. Being a single mother of four is hard work, very busy and the most rewarding thing ever. Slowly, bit by bit I’m earning back my fight, my self-respect. Tuesday night I had a setback, Miss Peach revealed something very big Mr. Wrong had been lying to me about. I held my head high and walked away, and when I got away I cried. I cried that night. The next morning I just added it to the “thank heavens I got away” pile of crap Mr. Wrong shoveled.

So let the storms come. I will keep getting back up. And I am a better person for it. Tomorrow’s another day, seriously.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Relationship Status: Single

Sometime last week my last single brother changed his relationship status. Now for me that's huge. I mean Jackson and Lee once made a bet that the other will get married first, while in the car with Lee's girlfriend at the time, on the way to my cousin's wedding. My baby brother Stuart did not get in on the bet, he figured he would probably lose - he's 4 years younger than Jackson and 6 years younger than Lee. And indeed it's Stuart who is engaged.

I was married for 10 years and it is an odd thing to find myself single again. I have several friends in the same situation I'm in, recently divorced, who are already in relationships again. I guess I am enjoying the opportunity to get to know myself again. I also know that I have taken time to really examine my relationship with Mr. Wrong and how it got so screwed up. Recently I've even gone back to my relationships prior to Mr. Wrong and that has been really good for me too. I probably wouldn't have taken the time for that if I was in a new relationship already.

Jackson (TigBom) says I need to embrace being single. So here goes. I have officially changed my status on facebook. It may not seem like a lot to you but for me it's pretty monumental. And I'm not going to feel so bad about fantasising about my brother's friend. And FYI to my brothers, your first guess as to who that is - is wrong. Maybe even the next time someone askes me out I'll say yes. Maybe. One step at a time, seriously.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Where are my car keys Caroline?

"car... car..."

Last week my kids were on Spring Break. Now I know we are supposed to do all this fun stuff as a family but it didn’t work out that way. I was sick on Monday, had to work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. My one goal for the week was to buy Chandler a new pair of shoes. When do you think we got that done? That’s right Sunday afternoon. For those of you who care he got black and brown Tony Hawk skater shoes, very stylish for a boy his age. He wanted the black and white ones with skulls and crossbones but I drew the line there.

Back to the main point, it was a rough week. One of my trials was losing my keys. On Monday I was cleaning and saw Caroline carrying my keys around and thought to myself, “I should take those away from her.” Famous last words, or thoughts as it were. Later on in the afternoon I had finally gotten my butt in gear and everyone in the car to head for the Y to swim. Only we couldn’t go anywhere with out the keys, I don’t have a spare. So we spent the next two hours looking for my keys but with no success. I tried asking Caroline where my car keys were and she would reply “car… car…”

On Tuesday I borrowed a car from my parents so I could get to work. That night I kept looking for my keys. I found a toothbrush in the a/c vents, did a rather unpleasant search of the trash cans and found things I hadn’t seen in months. Still no sign of my keys.

Wednesday morning a friend of mine stopped by and we sat in the middle of the chaos that is my house and talked. As we sat discussing the awful things she found in her son’s college literature textbook Chandler came in and started playing with Caroline’s car. It’s one of those little toddler ride on toys, complete with it’s own little trunk, you lift the lid and there is a tiny little storage space. You guessed it, that’s where the keys were. And how could I be mad at my genius little girl who not only knew where keys belong but told me where they were.

So mystery solved. Keys found. I wish I could say my week got better from there, but it didn’t. I did however have an interesting break through on the Mr. Wrong front but this post is already getting pretty long. And I want you to come back again, seriously.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Aunt Francis

My Aunt Francis died Friday night. Actually she is my great-aunt, my grandfather’s sister. Her husband, my Uncle Hank, died a few years ago. Francis and Hank had a place across the lake from my grandfather, so when we would visit we usually got to see them too. Aunt Francis taught me to get water from a well with sheer hand power, she taught me to pop popcorn over an open fire (who knew you could fix it without a microwave?), oh and she introduced me to dipping apples in caramel. Aunt Francis survived the Depression and like most children of that era, it marked her life. She would collect the crayons discarded at the end of the school year, package them up and send them off to missionaries in a developing country.

In their last few years Aunt Francis and Uncle Hank had gotten weak and frail but I shall always remember them from my childhood. Uncle Hank paddling a canoe and Aunt Francis taking us on nature walks. One of the things I am sure of is their reunion must have been sweet, not with each other but with their Maker. When Aunt Francis got sick this last time it is rumored she told her daughter, “I hope this is the end.” She had tired of the trials of this life, she was lonely for Hank and she had lived a good life. She was ready to go home with the complete assurance of where she would be when next her eyes opened. She had felt the joy of living and looked forward to the joy in dying.

I probably won’t make it to her funeral, she lived halfway across the country. But to my cousins, I am so sorry for your loss. To my Aunt Francis, rest well, I will miss you, remember you fondly and rejoice that you are in a better place.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Karen has invited you to be a friend..

"I'm looking for someone whose baggage goes with mine."

Okay, I have done it, I have gone and joined facebook. Last summer my little brothers suggested I should, that it's a great social network. Well considering my social life consists of baseball practices and purse parties, what more can you ask for? (Yes, that is sarcasm.) Then a few days ago a friend from high school mentioned she had created a facebook page, so I decided to start my own. In the last 4 days 9 friends have accepted my invitation (some I'm not even sure how I invited :), honestly that makes me feel loved.

Here is my dilema. When it asked my romantic status, I didn't have it in me to mark single. I went with "it's complicated." It's so weird to think of myself as single, despite my post earlier to that effect. A friend has suggested I make a deal with myself to say yes to anyone who asked me out the first year. Sorry I have already broken that, causing one guy to say "you are just as big a tease now as you were in high school." Awww, really, you think so? Thank you.

The truth is I don't think I'm ready to date. Don't get me wrong, I am having a great time learning to flirt again. But to say, yes I will go out with you, even now it scares the crap out of me. I mean honestly, I haven't dated since college, over 13 years ago and back then I didn't kiss on the first date. Dating as a 30 year old single mother will be a whole other experience than as a carefree college girl. My divorce has been final now for 5 months and my marriage has been over for 2 years. It's time, I know.

So that's it, I'm going to go mark single right now.... Well, maybe tomorrow.... Or next week? I'm a busy girl but I'll get to it, seriously.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Take me out to the ballgame...


I love baseball. I am a fan of the game of baseball. I love the Red Sox. Now I am not the kind of fan that have the roster and every stat memorized. I cannot carry on a intelligent conversation about the heavy hitters in the MLB, although sometimes I fake it. But I love the game.

What I love even more is the game my son plays. This year he is in the Majors (11 & 12 year olds). This is his 5th year playing baseball, and when we started the games were hard to watch. Every kid had to bat, nobody kept score, etc. In AAA (9 & 10 year olds) the games were fun to watch, Chandler knew the game, the pitchers threw consistantly and they made outs. This year he has a coach he has had twice before and this coach is good for Chandler. Coach Kent rides Chandler, but encourages him too. He yells... productively. Some mothers cringe at their child having Coach Kent, I love him. Because in the end I know he yells because he cares, he wants Chandler to improve, and his coaching style works for Chandler's personality.

Oh yeah, this is the first year Grace and Lee are playing softball. Grace is in the Darlings league and Lee is in the Sweeties league. I don't have much to go on because they have each only had a couple of practices, so I'll let you know how it goes.

So if you are ever in town, stop by the ball fields. On any given night there will be at least half a dozen games going. And there is a pretty good chance I'll be at one of the fields. Play ball, seriously.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Turning a corner

Last night something happened, something that hadn’t happened in a very long time. I really felt single. And something else weird happened to. I found myself attracted to a man other than Mr. Wrong. Now this is monumental because I’ve been with Mr. Wrong for 12 years. I’m not trying to say in all those years I never found someone else attractive but I was never attracted to them.

Several weeks ago I went thru the Wendy's drive thru. I pulled up to the window to get my food and the manager handed it out to me and said “You look familiar, do I know you from somewhere?” Like an idiot I said, “I don’t think so, are you from (my hometown)?” He wasn’t but we talked a few more minutes and I pulled away. It didn’t occur to me until later that was a line, he was flirting with me. I am pretty out of practice and very flattered. Although a Wendy’s manager probably goes on my list of things I won’t settle for in a man.

In my quest to make sure I never settle for another Mr. Wrong I am working on a list of qualities my Mr. Right must possess. Any suggestions? Wow, I’m single again, seriously.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

My angel turns 1


The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, peace of mind, or even your happiness. It’s far greater than your family, your career or even your ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planted, you must begin with God. You were born BY His purpose and FOR His purpose. – Rick Warren

Happy Birthday to Caroline! Today is Baby Caroline’s 1st birthday. Have I ever mentioned what a great baby she is? She has been walking for about two weeks and I’m so proud of her. She doesn’t cry unless something is really wrong. Even when she was teething she didn’t complain that much. At church she is the official greeter, almost everyone who walks in the door calls her by name, and she rewards them with a big grin and giggle.

She is beautiful and almost always has a smile on her face. And she is mine, exclusively, as far as I’m concerned. Mr. Wrong is out of town this week, he sent me a message this morning, was it to wish his daughter a happy birthday? No. And that’s okay, she is loved by so many people.

A year ago today, my life was in such a different place, a day that should have been so beautiful was shadowed by Mr. Wrong’s behavior. The day after Caroline was born my dad came a sat with me for several hours, I’m not sure he intended to but he reminded me that even without Mr. Wrong I was gonna be fine, great in fact. And over the last year I have come to see that more and more.

There are times when I am angry at myself for bringing her into such a hard situation and then I remember it wasn’t me that brought her in. She was a gift, an angel given to me by the Creator. I found the above quote by Rick Warren shortly after she was born and it was a reminder to me that God is in control. He knew Caroline before I did, loved her before I did and intended her for me. So today I celebrate the gift of her life. Seriously.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

My promise

I know I promised to tell you who I voted for but this is harder than I thought, so here it is... Mike Huckabee. And I did the thing I don't like, my intention was not to vote for Huckabee but against McCain. I wanted to send McCain a message, "please don't expect me to vote for you because you have an (R) beside your name."

TigBom asked if I still believed in our democratic system. I will remind him again, we don't live in a democracy but a republic. We elect our leaders and send them to Washington to "speak for us." And yes, I do still believe that of all forms of governing currectly practiced in the world, we have the best system. And yes, I do believe it is flawed. Have you ever read the Federalist papers? Yes TigBom I'm sure you have. Many of their concerns have come to fruition, we had intelligent founding fathers. Seriously.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Rino...

I didn't leave the Democrat Party, it left me. - Ronald Reagan

So I never thought I'd see the day I was disappointed to see Mitt Romney suspend his campaign. But on Thursday I was. John McCain has all but sown up the Republican nomination. Rush says not to give up hope, a lot can happen in 9 months. The problem is Virginia's primary is in 3 days and I have no one to vote for.

I can't not vote, I jumped all over TigBom for doing that. I have decided that I am free to write in whoever I want. I haven't decided who yet. If you have any suggestions I'm open to them.

The Democratic Nominee appears to be Obama. And he scares me. First up until a few years ago no one knew who he was. He's in the Senate on a fluke - kinda like Jim Webb, Obama didn't win the Republican lost. He has never run anything. He's never been in the executive branch. Never been a Mayor or Govenor.

Second, the few political stands he will take (you know other than change) are in direct conflict with my beliefs. The primary ads he's running in Virginia are really good, they leave you with this warm fuzzy feeling. You know what they leave out? What he stands for.

You see the thing about change for change's sake is that it isn't always for the better. I don't think taking profits from companies is a good thing, what incentive is there for sucess? I don't like one payer healthcare, it hasn't worked anywhere else. Why do you think Fidel Castro went to Spain for his care? I haven't heard where he stands on judicial nominees but I'm willing to take a guess they wouldn't be ones I like. The little I've heard we don't agree on moral issues either.

I have always hated the idea of ovting for the lesser of two evils. I will not cede my right to vote. And I have no intention of voting for John McCain simply because he has an R beside his name. So where does that leave me? Who do I vote for? When I figure it out, I'll let you know. Seriously.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Champagne Weekend

On my calendar at home I can't just write my plans because Mr. Wrong looks at it, so I give my plans code names. This weekend is Champagne Weekend because Melanie and I decided I'd come visit shortly after New Years, and since I didn't have a drop to drink on New Years it was decided we'd have champagne this weekend. So we toasted Mr. Wrong's new marriage and my new life.

I'm going to be fine. Not just fine, great. I'm going to be great. Most of the time I actually believe it.

We also went to see 27 Dresses and it was really cute. I really recommend you go see it, Katherine Heigl is a great actress and James Marsden is HOT! It was really good for the eternal optimist in me. People fall in love, they get married, they do the hard work to stay married.

But I watched another movie this weekend with the line "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." The main character keeps saying that isn't true, she doesn't want to be miserable. The misery was inflicted on her by her jerky fiance. But that was a couple of years ago. It was time to move on.

And it's time for me to move on. Not start dating but to quit blaming Mr. Wrong for the misery in my life. I don't want to be miserable. I want to get out, do things. I want to go out to dinner with friends, have plans for the Superbowl, have a party for Caroline's first birthday. So it's time for me to quit waiting for things to happen to me, it's time to go out and make them happen.

Stop waiting, start acting. Seriously.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Always a Bridesmaid....

This weekend the kids will be with Mr. Wrong, well except for baby Caroline, so I am holding my breath (you will notice I do this anytime I head north of Richmond) and heading to NOVA to hang out with Melanie. The original purpose for this weekend was to get my mind off the fact that Mr. Wrong and Miss Peach were getting married on Friday. Turns out they made it official on Christmas Day - have I already expounded on this? Anyway, they were supposed to have a ceremony for the kids and her family. That has been cancelled. Wait, postponed, until it's warmer, until, wait for it, October. Shall we take bets on whether or not it happens?

So now we're going to drink champagne and go see 27 Dresses. Have you noticed there are not many romantic comedies out lately? Like all the good ideas have dried up. I went to the video store a few weeks ago and asked the movie guru behind the counter if there were any new romantic comedies out - nope. Being the eternal optimist I am, I like to see people falling in love.

My baby brother is planning his wedding to a girl I think is great, she is. I have three younger brothers and it has been the running joke for years that I am waiting for my girls to be flower girls. This week I received an invitation in the mail for all three of the girls to be flower girls, but there was something else in the envelope. I was invited to be a bridesmaid, I was so excited I cried. And then showed everyone the cute, clever invitation. And then I put it on my frig at home. And then I did my normal, oh no I'm too fat to do this. And then I remembered, not this time!

I'm going to be a bridesmaid. It's actually the first time for me. A bridesmaid, seriously!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Dewey Defeats Truman

Okay, so maybe Hillary winning the New Hampshire primary is not the greatest upset in political history but I did not see it coming. I am a political junkie, seriously. I have been since I first "worked the polls" at the age of 8. Wyatt Durrette was running for governor, somewhere there is a picture of me with a Durrette bumper sticker on my bike.

My father is a politician. One night when I was in 6th grade we were all sitting at the dinner table and Dad said "How would you feel about having a politician in the family?" After pondering the questions I replied "I don't think I would care to give up my privacy in that respect." But Dad won his first local election that year.

Now, almost 20 years later I can appreciate my apprehension back then. A friend told me once I had the reputation of being a snob. You see the thing about being a politician (or his daughter) is that people know you, even if you don't know them. I spent the next month smiling at everyone I saw, every person I passed in the grocery store, at the gas station filling up, at the people beside me at a stoplight. Until finally I just gave up. I think of myself as a friendly person but I was really pushing the limits.

I'm not complaining. Not really, it's not all bad. I would talk about some of the benefits I've received but my Dad probably wouldn't be so happy with me. Let's just say I learned pretty early the rules seldom apply to me and leave it at that.

But I digress. I love politics. I am a conservative. Some might say falling off the right wing. I am a part of the "vast right wing conspiracy" that Hillary referred to (I'm going shopping for blue dresses later if you'd like to come.) Well maybe not falling off the right wing, Ron Paul still kinda scares me. So I've listened to each of the candidates and quite frankly I can't endorse anyone. I what Mitt Romney says but he's a Mormon. I like Fred Thompson but he didn't vote to impeach Bill Clinton. I like Duncan Hunter but he doesn't have a prayer.

I guess it's a good thing Virginia doesn't hold it's primary until February.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

'Til death do us part....

Well it's official. Mr. Wrong has now given this promise to another woman. Do you think he really, really means it this time? And they did it on Christmas Day, not even a full month after the divorce is final, only 4 days after our anniversary. They are planning a ceremony on January 25th, you know for the kids. I would tell him that Grace and Lee have cried because they don't want to be Miss Peach's flower girls but he doesn't like me very much right now.

I cried a little, it hurts a little. But mainly I have this overwhelming sense of relief. A friend who has been in my shoes says it's because I know I am finally free of the cycle of abuse. Other than a few very close friends people around me don't know the suffering I endured for years.

She's right. I endured years of verbal and emotional battering. I can almost hear him now saying "nobody but me would ever love you" following that with all the ways he deemed me to be "worthless" as a wife. And I would work harder, do things different, it was never enough. A few months ago I was channel surfing and landed on Dr. Phil. A wife and he abusive husband were on and Dr. Phil looked at the woman and said "it will never be enough. It doesn't matter what you do, it will never be enough. You can never be good enough for him to stop. The problem is not you." And I cried because he could be talking to me. I know that now. Nothing I could have done would have been enough to make our family complete. It wasn't up to me. He has the problems.

Another friend says, it's easier to kid yourself into believing the abuse isn't real when their aren't any bruises on your skin. But I stayed. I consider myself an intelligent woman. But I stayed. Why? Seriously.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

In with the new....

I know, I know it's January 3rd, I intended to post my New Year's ambitions on the 1st. But I am a world class procrastinator, I always have been. You would think working on that would be on my resolutions list - it's not. I've got much more important stuff on the list...

1- Lose weight. I think it's obligatory that you start resloutions lists with either lose weight or quit smoking. (Since I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant with Chandler, that's out.) But honeslty I am on weight watchers and in the process of losing these extra pounds. I'm aiming for a pound per week. I'll let you know how it's going in a month.

2- Write a book. Now I have already written one, that NONE of you will ever read, well except Melanie my unofficial editor. This years book is a romance novel. Because you know what they say about those who can't do....

3- Figure out why I stayed with Mr. Wrong for 10 years. I mean honestly 10 years and 4 kids (plus 2 illegitame step children). Why did I stay? I keep asking the people around me but until I figure it out there is no way I can start dating again. And I'd like to date again.

That's it, my 3 completely attainable New Year's ambitions.