The strength of a wave

I have been told that I am so strong, people "don’t know how I do it." Honestly what option do I have? I have 4 children depending on me. I want so badly to be the mother I always imagined being, unfortunately the reality of our situation doesn’t allow for many of my dreams. But there are some I refuse to give up. I still chaperone field trips, help with homework, bake cupcakes for the kids birthdays. Two weeks ago Chandler turned 11, he had a couple of friends sleepover, and I made cupcakes for his baseball team. As I was hurrying home to finish the cupcakes my friend asked “why don’t you just buy cupcakes?” To me, those cupcakes are more than just cupcakes, they are a part of my dream I refuse to give up.

I used to tell my counselor that I was weak. That there are days I would rather just stay in bed, when I think about the day ahead I am completely overwhelmed. That I only fake the strength. I used to think the real me was the girl who wanted to stay in bed. Then my couselor asked, "do you just stay in bed?" So I have begun to see the real me as the one who gets out of bed every morning. Day after day I get up and face the world. I get up, pack lunches, pick out clothes, help pack backpacks, make sure Chandler gets on his bus, Grace and Lee get on their bus, take Caroline to her sitters and finally get to work. My days pass quickly, sometimes I forget to stop and enjoy this time that can never been regained.

After school Thursday, I helped Grace and Lee with their homework, then I dropped Lee off at her softball game, then ran to get Chandler from play practice, then back to the field to watch Lee’s softball game. I had a chance to chat with some friends and the kids had dinner from the concession stand. Finally I got the kids home, in bed and looked around. My house is a mess, the laundry basket is overflowing and the towel rack in my bathroom is coming down. During the commercials of my favorite TV show that was finally back on after the writer’s strike, I unloaded the dishwasher, ran a load of laundry and picked up the videos Caroline had pulled off the shelf.

Then Friday morning I stood on the front porch and watched as the bus pulled away. Lee sat in her seat, looked out the window and waved to me. This is the best part of my day. Everything I do is worth it just to see that wave, seriously.